Sovereignty

This morning as I awoke, God was still working on me.  I still felt in awe of His majesty, and I wanted to tell Him so.  Often I talk to Him as I would another person, casually and relaxed.  But today I felt the need to go beyond that.  Not only is He my best friend, He is God!  He is the Creator of the earth and all living things, and the entire universe!  He the One who set it all in motion.  He could snuff out my life with only a thought far quicker and more effectively than a boy squashing a bug between his fingers.  He is All Powerful, Almighty, and All Sovereign.
When I began looking at Him as God, and not only my Friend I felt so small.  All the knowledge that I could muster wouldn't even be a droplet in comparison to His vast ocean of knowledge.  How could I have ever questioned HIM?
So, as I prayed this morning, I acknowledged His sovereignty.  I let Him know that I see Him not only as my Friend, but as my God and the Creator of this vast universe.  WOW.  It's really not just to try to document this special time.  It was so sacred, so holy.  HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!  WHO WAS, AND IS, AND IS TO COME!!!

Monuments and Milestones

Last night, the Lord continued talking to me in ways that only He can.  I felt so close to Him.  I thought about the things He taught me earlier in the day and just felt in awe of how that He had drove the simple, yet profound lessons straight to my heart.
I began to face my fears.  I began taking a look at the things that have been holding me back.
Then, I gave them to Him.  The fears.  The questions.  I told Him that He could perform His plan in me even if it required using an avenue that terrified me.  I let Him know that I wanted to go forward.  I wanted to fulfill the life that I was born to live.  The one He had already set into place long before my eyes even saw the light of day.
He showed me that when He created me, He already knew the areas that I would struggle.  He knew that I would have problem areas and short comings.  Did that mean He made His creation with flaws?  That's when He showed me that I wasn't created with flaws; I was unfinished.  At the thought that He created me unfinished seemed a little unsettling at first, but then He told me something else.  I was a work in progress!  I was so relieved to finally grasp this truth!  I wasn't created less than perfect I am still being created!  I realize now that He is still molding me, still shaping me, still creating me into that person that I'm intended to be!  What a load lifted off of my shoulders when I finally realized that it wasn't just up to me to fix all the areas in my life.  I had to become willing to let Him complete what He started.
Now that I faced my fear, I had to release all the questions.  Why did God let certain things happen to me?  Why did God allow me to experience pain?  Why, why, why???
Then, I did it.  I let them go.  I told the Lord that He didn't have to tell me why.  He didn't have to explain the reasons for everything to me.  I trusted Him, and I meant it.  After I did this, something happened.  I don't know exactly what but I know it did.  Maybe only eternity will tell, but I know something happened right then, right there, at that exact moment.  I believe this is when I truly let Him know that I was ready to go forward.   January 11, 2013, will forever be a monumental milestone in my life.

Fear, Get Outta Here!

I told the Lord awhile ago, "I don't feel good."
"Don't you think I know that?"  I felt Him reply.
I was a little surprised that He would respond that way, but still I said, "Yes, I know You know that, and You know that I know that you know that!"
"Then why don't you ask Me to DO something about it?"
He knows how to get me every time.  He's so much wiser than I. He knows me far better than I know myself!

Then, as I began to ask Him, I felt afraid to.   Yeah, crazy, I know.  It wasn't that I was afraid of Him, or talking to Him, of course, (He hears me rattling about things all the time).  So what was it that was making me afraid to ask him to make me feel better?
See, I have struggled for years with my health.  Yes, I have asked for healing but it would always come with some reservation.  It's not that I didn't want to feel good, because really, I did.  No, it was something much more complicated.  It was fear.
For so long, I have had my health as an excuse to use to keep me from going forward.  I have so many short comings and I always say that it's because of my health.  I can't get this accomplished because I don't feel good.
Now, it struck me that if I was healed and my body was no longer weak that there was a possibility that I would still have these shortcomings - and nothing to blame it on.  I could no longer say, "The reason that have have these struggles is just because I don't feel good and I can't help it."  No, if I was healed, I would instantly expect myself to also be free from all of these other things too.  But what if I wasn't?  What if I was healed and still had these struggles?  Then, I would look like a fraud.  I would feel like a failure.  It was more than I could handle right now. 
I must face my fears.  I must get beyond these things and allow God to work.  I must go forward.

Yep, I think I Got It Lord!

God has been so near to me today. I was grumbling about in my mind to Him today about things I wanted to change about myself. Lord I want to change this, I want to change that. I was feeling so disgusted with myself because I seem to struggle with the same old things over and over (and over)! I have turned over a new leaf so many times that the leaf has disintegrated! Why can't it just "click" for me? Some of the things that I struggle with just seem to be a second nature for most people. (You're telling on yourself, Carisa).
It was then that God spoke to me, as plain as day, "Look how far you've come." So I began looking at what has been accomplished in my life lately. Some amazing things truly have come about in my life for sure! In my mind I said back to Him, "But Lord, that was all brought about by YOUR hand. That was nothing that I did!" 
If I could've seen God's face right then it probably held a little smile. His head probably slightly nodded. He knew the point "hit" me before I got the thought completely thought. He made his point well. He has a way of doing that, you know.
After that happened it began to set the scene for the inspiration of the quote below.  (Just in case you want to know the background story).  :)

 As parents we teach our children the ways that they should go with the hope that one day they will be wise enough to make good choices on their own.
God gave us the the freedom of choice with the hope that one day we'll decide to quit making our own choices and allow Him to make them for us. -Carisa Gourley

The Month of November

 Season of change.  November.  Season of Remembrance.

     November is an interesting time of year for me.  It holds feelings of joy, mingled with pain.  Thankfulness and sorrow.  Nostalgia and a dread of what's to come.
     Before you sign off and conclude that I'm bipolar, let me explain.
As a child, November was a magical time of year.  The weather was changing, the pretty fall leaves were lying everywhere and colored the world in bright reds and golds.  The nippy wind was still warm enough to play outside whenever I chose as long as Momma had me bound in a sweater, at least.  Once I hit the door to the outside I sometimes didn't return until the sun started sinking behind the Missouri hills.  Life was simple and elegant.  Unrushed.  Happy.
    Before the month ended, we always gathered with family and had a big Thanksgiving feast.  We always had delicious food, but the good times we shared with our grandparents and cousins was what made our days memorable.  Love was so thick that it could be cut with the turkey carving knife.  While on the subject of carving, one of my favorite Thanksgiving memories was of my Grandpa and his carving knife.  He was going around, doing the carving, probably of large juicy turkey slices and ham when he came across a cheeseball that my momma had made.  He was a precious country fella, not used to seeing such fixin's as a cheeseball.  He didn't know what it was and so he said, "I'll just carve it too!" And so he did.
     The day after Thanksgiving, Momma would drag out the Christmas tree and decorate it.  A whole new world of wonder would open up.
      These are the days that I'll cherish forever.  Don't get me wrong, I still have days full of love, happiness and joy.  But there was something about becoming an adult that made some of the magic disappear.  New trials, new realities and new responsibilities.
     I got married at the tender age of seventeen to my sweetheart.  I thought I was a woman through and through, but I quickly learned that I was also still very much a girl.  However, I was truly and without a doubt, very much in love. After getting married and settling down in a little house, it didn't take long to find out that love wasn't the only ingredient necessary in making a new home.  We grew and learned together and after a year and a half of marriage we were facing a whole new situation;  we were going to be parents.  That day was almost as happy as our wedding day.  We were already very much in love with that special child growing on the inside of me.  We had big hopes and dreams.  Our child would be the cutest, the smartest and the most well behaved child ever born.  I soon found out I was due on November 13th.  Again, such a magical month!  Our baby was due on my own grandma's birthday and the day after the birthday of my husband's mother!  We dreamed of making my grandma a great grandma for the first time on her birthday.  Then we would think how special that it would be to make my mother-in-law a grannie for the first time on her birthday!  The possibilities were so thrilling and we could hardly wait to see what happened.
     On the day of my three month checkup, my mom took me in and kept stressing to me to call her back after they picked up the baby's heartbeat so she could hear it.  This was her first grandbaby too and she was so excited.  So, after getting my weight and blood pressure the CNM placed the doppler on my tummy so we could hear the little rhythm.  She searched and searched.  Not a sound other than my own heartbeat.  Two ultrasounds later I was told that my baby was without cardiac activity.  My baby's magical birthday was to never come.  November grew a little colder than it used to be in the past.  (To Read My Entire Story on Miscarriage Click Here).
     By that Thanksgiving we had already lost two babies.  What did I have to be thankful for?  I still had my husband, my family and hope.  God's Word says in Romans 8:25, ^"But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it." 
      I had this special hope but more importantly, I knew the Giver of this hope.  Because of Him I still had everything to live for here and the promise that I can be reunited with those precious children again.  He is my everything.  I am utmost thankful for Him and His love.
     My hope was to be fulfilled soon. The very next month I found out I was pregnant again, which turned out to be a successful pregnancy.  (See previous post for more on this blessing).
     Although the pregnancy loss is one reminder that comes along every year I can't help but think about others.  November is election month.  Those who are elected will possibly change the whole course of the future.  We are in some ways, "at their mercy."  A lot of informed and wise people understand this but there are still so many who are careless in their responsibilities on voting.  They use excuses like, "My one little vote won't make the difference," not realizing that if thousands of people just like them are saying the same thing, that could totally change the way something could go if they would just band together and get it done.  How would it be if someone told you that your child was in danger and told you to call a certain phone number?  If someone answered on the other end that would determine your child's safety.  If you knew there was only a slight chance that someone would answer would you still call?  Of course!  If no one answered you would hang up and call back as many times as it took.  You would be encouraging your friends to call.  You would be praying.  You would be having everyone you could think of to pray and call with you.  Well, my friends, our children are in danger.  The only hope for their future is for us to step up to the plate.  We should exercise our right to vote, to pray and to assemble with others who have experienced salvation and faith. This is what we have to do if we are going to be there for our children.  You think I'm extreme?  Tell that to the countless people who died to win this freedom for us in the first place.  If they felt it was worth their lives, we should think it worth our investment to protect and secure it.
     November also brings about other realities.  Some of those who once shared our Thanksgiving tables with us are no longer there.  Some have passed on, some have chosen various ways of life that lead in different directions, preventing our paths from crossing.  
     However, one thing always remains the same.  Hebrews 13:8 states: Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever.  As long as we know Jesus as our Savior, our lives will always hold a certain stability - for He never changes.  From those wonderful Novembers as a child when I felt happy and safe to these modern and uncertain times, He still remains the same.  He is still faithful and He gives the promise that He will bring us through all of our uncertain times if we are faithful as well.  One day, in Heaven, November will be new.  My children that are gone will be around me.  Our loved ones will once again sit down to dine together in love and harmony.  Maybe Jesus will even let Grandpa do the carving.

A Day To Celebrate!

It just so happens that my new blog was opened on a very special day!  My oldest son's birthday!  I still remember the day he was born just like it was a matter of weeks ago.  I'd just been through two crushing miscarriages when I found out that he was on the way. 

I was so afraid of losing him too.  I fretted everyday that I would start seeing the signs of miscarriage.  I prayed so hard that God would allow this pregnancy to be healthy.  Then, the dreaded day came.  I was around six weeks along and started spotting a little.  I was devastated!  We had just started revival at church and the preacher's wife was due around the exact same time I was so I'm sure she could feel my fear.  People wanted to pray for me but I told them it wouldn't do any good because I just didn't feel like I had the faith believe.

There is a special thing about our God, however, that I was failing to see at that moment.  God is like a parent.  He wasn't angry with me because I was scared.  He wasn't mad that I didn't seem to have abounding faith when I felt so low.  In fact, He understood and He cared.

I knelt down before Him with a broken heart and something amazing happened!  My faith began to rise and so did my hope!  People began praying for me while my Lord embraced me in His love.  Within 24 hours everything was completely normal!

Now, 14 years later, on this exact day, I'm celebrating the life of a handsome young man that God gave to me even though my faith seemed gone.  Now, I realize, I didn't lose my faith at all, I had just lost sight of it!

Happy 14th Birthday, Son, you are truly our precious gift from God!  We love you! 

Introduction

I find joy in writing!  I find self expression in writing as well.  I feel that it is a gift from God that allows me to share with others what's inside my heart.  Many people view me as an introvert, but that is only because they don't read my writings.  I'm really a person with a full heart that loves and cares for everyone.  I really feel that I'm inspired in some way every single day.  My faith inspires me, my children inspire me.  I'm convinced that if a person learns to open their heart that they can see life through the eyes of inspiration and faith.  This blog will be dedicated to families and families of faith. 

My postings will cover many topics.  Some may include: Marriage, parenting, homeschooling, crafts, health & wellness and of course, faith.